I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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