When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You took a bar mat shot.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
