Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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