Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
