I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
