fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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