can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
