Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
