I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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