Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
