just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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