sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize