i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
