Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
