So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
