my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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