Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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