i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
