OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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