The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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