I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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