I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
