porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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