in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You made out with two different species that night
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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