umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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