I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
