spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
