It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
