about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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