Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
