i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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