Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
