I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
