You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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