new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
