I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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