I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
