i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
