erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
