There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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