I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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