Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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