The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
