Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
