Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Two words: blizzard sex
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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