So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
