we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
