my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
