I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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