I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
