her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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