At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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