Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
