why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
