I can't breathe out the right side of my face
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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