I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
