I wish I could teleport
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
